by Ant Campbell 

In my first blog for the fellas I was debating a few ideas to write about. I skipped from a few stupid topics to even stupider topics like how fucking shite Everton are – but if I had to write about Everton for a long period of time I’d end up absolutely fuming, walking down the pub and getting someone in a fucking masterlock and putting Stan by Eminem on the jukebox and nailing a bottle of whiskey. So I’ll mix it up a bit before going on some mad rant about Everton.

The only place to really start is Donald Trump. He’s been up to all sorts of mad shit, but one of his most offensive ones yet has to be him saying a soldier who died “knew what he was getting into” – which goes to explain his own personal reasoning for dodging draft 5 times. The fact that they somehow elected a mutated, racist Charizard who is as thick as the door of a fucking submarine is a different story entirely. He needs to be impeached immediately, a man who is more out of his depth than the Captain of the Titanic who went to the bottom of the Atlantic in his fucking ship. He won’t have to worry about finding another job either because he will fit right in at Miramax, where sexual assault and intimidating women are standard practice. The only thing Donald actually has any experience in.

So there’s a nice light topic to begin with, time to move onto the serious stuff, Everton. Waking up everyday as an Evertonian is like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, same absolute horseshit day in, day out, and wanting to jump in the bath with the toaster every time you see the starting eleven. Whether we are going to the arse end of Italy to get smoked by Atlanta, which is suspiciously and ironically close to Atlantis, or Rooney is being caught in the countryside driving a fucking Beetle, bladdered. It’s just a fucking pantomime. I’d give it to Andy Van Der Meyde till the end of the season. We would be sponsored by Narcos by Christmas and scrapping Z Cars for Cigarettes & Alcohol by Oasis. Absolutely game for seeing Andy Van Der Meyde down an FA Cup full of Famous Grousse, and by FA Cup I mean the LDV Vans trophy which we will probably win in about 7 years the way we’re heading.

ANYWAY – I got an £80 fine for flicking a bifter on Church Street by some fucking man head who was wearing absolute coffins on her feet. If you’re reading this love I hope you get sacked tomorrow. Rat.

Everton do my head in, always have, always will. Ronald Koeman’s transfers were like buying a meal deal with a £50 note and telling them to keep the change. Michael Keane turns like an aircraft carrier, Sandro Ramirez sounds, looks and plays like something out of a Mike Bassett sketch, and I can’t even remember the right back we have bought? What’s his name? He’s absolutely shite as well. Spent half of his debut manmarking a Ford Mondeo on County Road. I’m going down the boozer anyway, someone is getting masterlocked.

These will be a monthly thing by the way, so get involved and keep your eyes peeled for them as I descend further and further into pointless ramblings and insanity.

UPDATE*

In a slight amendment to this blog, turns out Koeman has been sacked. Which he hadn’t before I’d penned this up. Unsworth in the driving seat, which is sound on a temporary basis. To be honest, Paul Walker in the driving seat would be better than Koeman, onwards and upwards we go to the fucking championship, the giant has awoken and has been put into a fucking coma.

Keep your eyes peeled for the second instalment of Tin Foil Diaries on 1st of December 

For more of Liverpool Comedian Ant Campbell check him out on on Twitter @acampbell68v